Maggots, M*A*S*H and the Plantation

Have you ever been to a speakeasy party? It looks like this:

These ladies, minus the transvestite at the end, are attire appropriate. Ladies will latch on to any old excuse to dress cute and dance the Charleston, and the guys don't really have to dig too deep, just don a hat and some suspenders.

I recently went to one of these and met a bevy of intriguing people:


1) Kevin- Everyone's first question to him is,"How'd you get the eyepatch?" His answer,"Have you eaten yet?" Turns out it has something to do with a bacteria in his eye and maggots. He is a superb storyteller and to this day, I still have my doubts. I have heard of medicinal maggots, but the eye? It seems drastic. He and I decide to start a game of bocce ball and he invites...





2) Ed- He's pretty hilarious, but more importantly he sounds like someone I know. Kevin and I conference while Ed talks with his girlfriend: "Well I dunno, maybe someone with a nasally voice...He kinda looks like that guy from that series....I got it...Oh, that's him.....Well don't tell him!" Ed is a carbon copy of Alan Alda from M*A*S*H. We subtly suggest he adopt an Australian accent for no good reason (to deter the A.A. comparisons) and Ed good-naturedly asks why. He's gotten the Alan Alda before and strangely, Quentin Tarantino. We need a fourth and invite...




3) Ben- He snuck into the party uninvited but he paid his entrance fee and isn't leaving. He is a Kentucky native and a Ph.D grad from Cal. He paid for his entire college education by renting land from his father and growing tobacco and corn on it, starting at the age of 13. He got tobacco poisoning by 16 and is a smoker at 30. He confesses, his parents live on a "Gone With the Wind" style plantation.

I am losing at bocce ball. I balance the bocce ball on my bicep to simulate a muscle and blame the unevenness of the dirt for my losses. It doesn't matter though because Ben just asked me out and I'm happy as a jaybird.

To be continued....