This tastes like burning.

My best friend Tee has been doing field research in Guatemala for the past month. She studies amphibians and spends long wet nights camped in the forest for days at a time. My over eagerness for her return is on par with a golden retriever:

"I can pick you up from the airport?"
"Do you want me to drop off your car?"
"I'll make you a sandwich."

When she does come back, she is toting what appears to be an industrial-sized rice sack along with her field gear. Being white and unlabeled, it peaks my interest, much like unlabeled booze. If I was a worldly traveler of culture and refinement I'd stroke my pencil thin mustache and say:

"Hola, mi vida! ¿Dónde usted encontró este bolso rústico fino y qué contiene? (Hello dearest one! Where did you find this fine, rustic bag and what does it contain?)

but in reality, I said:

"What's with the bag? Is it full of bananas?"


Turns out it's 7 pounds worth of raw coffee beans. She had been looking to buy some authentic Guatemalan coffee and it only came raw and in 7 pound doses.

What should we do tonight, watch Sex in the City as we usually do on Thursdays, or skillet roast coffee beans on the stove?

Tee poured out a handful of raw beans and they looked naked and albino, a lilliputian nudist beach in Ireland. I put one in my mouth. It tasted like sand.

A little research on the Interweb and in one hour we are setting off fire alarms with the pungent smell of burning coffee. We did a little tag team maneuver where Tee stirred and shook the coffee over flames for 5 minutes for every 1 of mine (weak forearms). They ripen from a musty khaki color to a glossy black very quickly. Be careful. Mistakes were made but essentially, it boils down to this:

1. De-shell the coffee beans.
2. Heat up a wok to 500 degrees F. (or rev up the popcorn popper)
3. Add the beans and keep stirring them for 5 minutes so they don't burn.
4. Remove the hot beans to a colander before they are the desired color and let them rest.
5. Eat with chocolate

Why eat with chocolate, you might ask.

"This tastes burnt."
"Well here, eat it with a handful of chocolate."
"Oh, that's much more like coffee, a mocha perhaps."

We are no connoisseurs but wow, it was pretty sabroso.