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Baby brain jello
My Thanksgiving was great. Here's why:
a) I didn't buy a single thing.
b) I suck at Scrabble.
c) My baby cousin is gonna be in so much trouble.
a) I didn't buy a single thing. Black Friday sucks. People act like animals and will step on your face to get to an egg cup if it's on sale.
b) I suck at Scrabble. My uncle is a lawyer and every Thanksgiving he challenges us to a game of Scrabble, a tradition that he started with his mom. Being old, articulate and well seasoned in the Scrabble tricks, he usually beats us by 50 pts at least. Every year he expresses disappointment if we aren't a worthy enough challenge.
This year, I embraced my craptitude at Scrabble and put down words such as 'can', 'it' and 'our' without regret. I also challenged his use of the word 'bi' as it is derogatory slang, an abbreviation, or a prefix and is not in the dictionary.com. However, he found it in the scrabbledictionary.com. Total BS, if it's not in the OED, it doesn't exist.
c) My baby cousin is gonna be in so much trouble. This scrabble-loving uncle just had a baby to complete his set of two kids he's already got. The eldest is 10 years old, the younger is 5. When this lovely family arrives, my 10-year-old cousin walks in the front door with my newborn cousin hefted over his shoulder.
My eyes get all crazy and I say,"Give me the baby."
Whining, he says, "He's my brother. I know how to hold him."
He gives the baby kisses on the face, not the cheek.
The baby's head is not supported and I'm afraid of it lolling to one side.
I firmly grasp the baby and pry my cousin's hands off him.
Good lord, poor thing is going to grow up to be brain joggled.
a) I didn't buy a single thing.
b) I suck at Scrabble.
c) My baby cousin is gonna be in so much trouble.
a) I didn't buy a single thing. Black Friday sucks. People act like animals and will step on your face to get to an egg cup if it's on sale.
b) I suck at Scrabble. My uncle is a lawyer and every Thanksgiving he challenges us to a game of Scrabble, a tradition that he started with his mom. Being old, articulate and well seasoned in the Scrabble tricks, he usually beats us by 50 pts at least. Every year he expresses disappointment if we aren't a worthy enough challenge.
This year, I embraced my craptitude at Scrabble and put down words such as 'can', 'it' and 'our' without regret. I also challenged his use of the word 'bi' as it is derogatory slang, an abbreviation, or a prefix and is not in the dictionary.com. However, he found it in the scrabbledictionary.com. Total BS, if it's not in the OED, it doesn't exist.
c) My baby cousin is gonna be in so much trouble. This scrabble-loving uncle just had a baby to complete his set of two kids he's already got. The eldest is 10 years old, the younger is 5. When this lovely family arrives, my 10-year-old cousin walks in the front door with my newborn cousin hefted over his shoulder.
My eyes get all crazy and I say,"Give me the baby."
Whining, he says, "He's my brother. I know how to hold him."
He gives the baby kisses on the face, not the cheek.
The baby's head is not supported and I'm afraid of it lolling to one side.
I firmly grasp the baby and pry my cousin's hands off him.
Good lord, poor thing is going to grow up to be brain joggled.
I will end you....uuur car.
I biked to work this morning. I inched into the pedestrian walk to cross the street and lane after lane slowed to a stop...except the last lane where a blond woman in a gray car sped up to try and beat me.
I almost got hit by a car today and when I say almost, I don't mean someone kinda, sorta almost hit me. I mean my rubber tire bounced off her side door and I was braking so hard that I arched over her car.
And so, if I find a blond woman in a gray car with a black rubber tire mark on the driver side door, this is what I'll do to it:
I almost got hit by a car today and when I say almost, I don't mean someone kinda, sorta almost hit me. I mean my rubber tire bounced off her side door and I was braking so hard that I arched over her car.
And so, if I find a blond woman in a gray car with a black rubber tire mark on the driver side door, this is what I'll do to it:
das Mutterland
I love Fridays. Small, mundane magic happens within the human brain when it anticipates freedom and people act out accordingly. They bring bagels to work and are nice and content in a way that no Tuesday can bring about.
During after work drinks, we started a happy dialogue about German as a presenting language. As certain fonts imply a tone of voice, certain languages should only be used to present certain products.
For instance, Trajan's finality and somber tone reminds me of my father:
And German should only be used for selling the following products:
I think Germany should export words and let other countries adopt them for our own purposes. Their language says (and read this with a Schwarzenegger accent),"Do not bother with adjectives and articles. Assonance or harmonious vowel sounds do not concern me. Just mash it together in a hearty word stew and serve it to ze people."
Examples:
Brustwarze - nipples or literally breast warts.
Autoschlange - literally auto snake or a line of slowly moving cars.
Seelenchlo - literally soul toilet, a label for someone who has had a psychological dump taken in him/her. Let's say some coworkers are standing around the water cooler and Alice says,"So my ex-boyfriend is dating my best friend." Congrats employees, you've all become seelenchos.
Beinbrechtreppe - literally bone breaking stairs, a particularly steep set of stairs.
cabelsalat - literally cable salad, that mess of cables behind your computer.
Oberammergaueralpenkraeuterdelikatessenfruehstueckskaese - Breakfast cheese (not kidding)
Halloween -Miss Manners style
Should one perhaps attend the dinner engagement on the north side of town that will be ripe with young gentlemen dressed as American Gladiators? One's first reaction would be yes but careful investigation into photos of last year's engagement reveal mostly flaxen, stacked ladies dressed as slutty Pocahontas or Victoria Beckham.
Ah, it has become quite clear that this particular affair is what I would prudently label a "porn goggles" party. Everywhere you look, resembles a scene from a pornographic video usually with a five ladies to dude ratio and all of them scantily clad and ready to have relations on the coffee table. This is a common occurrence when the hosts of said party are single males.
Certainly not a confidence booster whilest one is dressed as a prepubescent boy in an adult set of footed pajamas. Perhaps the affair in the mission will be more promising. Let's assess:
Party of a close acquaintance? Check.
In an easily accessible area? Check.
Surrounded by equally entertaining places to hop (just in case)? Check.
Good ratio of men to women (based on the invite list)? Check.
I think we have an evening of it.
The old skool protein shake
This weekend, one of my co-workers invited me to a Critter Salon event called "Eat Bug Eat!" where I ate deep-fried wax moth caterpillars in creme fraiche and salsa verde.
It was pretty wicked to see them go from squirmy would-be sweater eaters to pizza toppings in under a minute. They thrashed around, their heads bucking wildly back and forth as if to separate themselves from their bodies until they went limp. THEN their bodies gradually popped and decompressed slightly. Someone perked up and asked if they thought insects could feel pain with no basic nervous system etc. I imagine that popping sound was their souls going to arthropod heaven.
They tasted subtle and nutty and heavily fried, as all things liberally doused in veggie oil taste...like a meaty corn nut, very crunchy and snackable.
I prefer to eat them without toppings due to their delicate flavor. One runs the risk of overpowering them if one adds too many strong ingredients.
One of the salon members said they were often eaten live and gave me permission to try it out but I did not taste anything in particular. It was gushy and popped in my mouth as a salmon egg might but there was no flavor. I could have been chewing on a piece of notebook paper.
Critter Salon offered several different types of caterpillars for tasting but they all tasted very similar. I wished they had some grasshoppers or ant eggs or worm tequila shots or other to compare and contrast to the 'pillars'.
It was pretty wicked to see them go from squirmy would-be sweater eaters to pizza toppings in under a minute. They thrashed around, their heads bucking wildly back and forth as if to separate themselves from their bodies until they went limp. THEN their bodies gradually popped and decompressed slightly. Someone perked up and asked if they thought insects could feel pain with no basic nervous system etc. I imagine that popping sound was their souls going to arthropod heaven.They tasted subtle and nutty and heavily fried, as all things liberally doused in veggie oil taste...like a meaty corn nut, very crunchy and snackable.
I prefer to eat them without toppings due to their delicate flavor. One runs the risk of overpowering them if one adds too many strong ingredients.
One of the salon members said they were often eaten live and gave me permission to try it out but I did not taste anything in particular. It was gushy and popped in my mouth as a salmon egg might but there was no flavor. I could have been chewing on a piece of notebook paper. Critter Salon offered several different types of caterpillars for tasting but they all tasted very similar. I wished they had some grasshoppers or ant eggs or worm tequila shots or other to compare and contrast to the 'pillars'.
Keyboard Max Balloon Cat
Every year I say, "I'm not gonna do Halloween. It is a reeediculous holiday." Then I congratulate myself on acting mature. Then I buy myself a pot of nail polish or something that I equate with women of caliber such as Meryl Streep. Then I am a frantic mess on October 30th.
This year will be different. We are adults now. I had major reconstructive surgery, been dumped twice, unemployed and poor, employed and rich (relatively). That was a major slambang injection of adulthood and I plan on embracing it. This year I am itinerizing my Halloween.
First, the costume:
Idea #1: Keyboard Cat - Grab a toy keyboard, a blue shirt and some cat ears.
Pros: culturally relevant, easy streets and funny
Cons: not wanting to lug keyboard around on dancefloor,
Idea #2: Balloon Boy - Also easy, just get helium mylar balloon at Safeway and tie to my waist.
Pros: easy, cheap, hyuk-hyuk funny
Cons: not that funny after family turned out to be whoring their plush child for media attention.
Idea #3: Max from Where the Wild Things Are - a major production.
Pros: really cute, warm and anti-strumpet costume
Cons: Need to sew a costume (which hasn't been done since grade school)
to be continued...
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